I Just Want to Be Skinny

For years, this was what I thought. Years of my life hoping. Years of my life dedicated to extreme exercise, extreme food restriction, extreme supplement intake, extreme everything. Years of thinking ahead to the next occasion and setting another goal of what I might weigh if I work hard enough. Years of believing that a few sizes smaller was THE goal.

But I was wrong.

When lipedema hit my life hard, though I didn't have a label for it at the time, I gained 50 pounds in three months. No change in what I ate or did in life. Before that I had already established the pattern described above. One more goal, killing myself, no real results. Months of trying, of following the next fad or doctor's advice or nutritionist's guidelines or naturopath's plan. Sometimes my body did seem to respond only to bounce right back to where it was after a hour or two of crisis or a plate of spaghetti. I could gain three sizes overnight if I ate a few bites of the "wrong" food and once gained 25 pounds in three days after a very stressful interaction with someone close to me. It made no sense, but it all came down to me feeling like I was failing over and over and over again.

As I've worked with clients and heard the stories from women all over the world, one things is clear. I'm not alone. The insanity that is lipedema, often coupled with undiagnosed lymphedema, hypermobility, MCAS, POTS, hypo- or hyperthyroidism, and other conditions, leaves us confused, overwhelmed, and hating our bodies and often ourselves. Stories that seem physically, biologically impossible happen to us.

My question to you, as we are at the end of the year and many are contemplating the dreaded New Year's Resolutions, is whether or not "being skinny" is, or should be, your ultimate goal. There are those who will disagree with me, but I do not believe you can be healthy at every size. That doesn't mean there should be shame when we find ourselves with these conditions and our bodies change and every effort seems to be a waste of time. However, when the body cannot find it's healthiest size and shape that means there is a dysregulation somewhere. If your body cannot shed excess fat, or the fat you have does not exist in a healthy form, or you are inflamed and puffy and can't rid yourself of excess fluid, those are not signs of health.

My point is that "being skinny" in and of itself is not a great New Year's Resolution to have. There are many reasons your body may be holding on instead of regulating and slimming down. We need to think about all of those reasons and address those root causes. We need to learn to be students of our bodies and notice the changes that reflect a true change of health at a deeper level. What does that mean? It means that we make ourselves take note of indicators of health that are NOT just size and shape. Do you have less brain fog, fatigue, joint achiness, muscle pain, headaches? Is your hair thicker, skin clearer, eyes brighter? Is your tissue softer, your shape changing, your muscles stronger? Do you recover faster, need fewer naps, take longer walks? Can you do more daily tasks, breathe more deeply, handle situations with less anxiety? Are you sleeping better, worrying less, moving more? Do you have less pain, fewer flares, more energy?

All of these (and many more!) are ways to tell if your body is responding positively to all you are doing. Don't ignore these signs while you're staring at the tag in your clothes and wishing it said something else. Don't ignore all your body is doing to heal while you're trying to avoid your reflection in the mirror. Remember that chronic inflammation means your body is in overdrive trying to constantly send the "good stuff" to the parts of you that need extra love. Remember that a body with chronic conditions and in chronic pain is operating in a chronic mode of holding on. Inflammation and weight may be the LAST symptoms to resolve, not the first or even the tenth. Remember that baby steps still count, so take them. Progress is progress and may not look like you think it should.

My final thought for you, that I also asked myself, is this: is it really true that you just want to be skinny? What if you could be skinny but every other symptom and challenge you have would remain the same? Or what if you could change your health little by little but still exist (at least for now) in a body that doesn't make you 100% happy? What if you could do more of what you've had to give up, get out of bed each day without dread, have more energy, live with significantly less pain, not live your life in fear of what symptom might ruin this day and these plans? Would "just being skinny" be worth the trade?

Redefine what success looks like. Define success by who you are, where you are in your health journey, what you can accomplish right now, and NEVER, under any circumstances, by what someone else looks like, acts like, chooses for them, works for them, or thinks is best for you. Choose goals that lead not only to success, but reflect the dedicated, self-disciplined, warrior that you are!